It certainly wasn’t an “a ha” moment for me, but rather a terrifying fear knowing that it is not curable. This meant trial medications galore and as someone who’s never had to take medications for such “ridiculous” reasons, I was in for a rude awakening. The constant extreme depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts was no joke. So I decided to leave it completely and focused on erasing everything in my life. Yes, everything. All I have is my car, a roof over my head and a drive to better myself no matter what.
I had read up about attention deficit disorder coupled with the symptoms and how it can cause difficulties in one’s life, but secretly hoped that it was just a misdiagnosis. It explained so much about my life. I was bouncing off the walls as a child and not to mention as a teenager and well into my adult life.
I was the life of the party everywhere I would go. Frequently I heard, “Quinton! Do something funny” as I would walk into a room full of people. It was fun for a while, but something always bothered me about it. There were times I was not in the mood for anybody, but then as soon as I, “Pavlov’s dog” heard anyone say something to the effect of, “Do something…”, I wouldn’t hesitate even if I wasn’t in the mood to “Do something…”.
I must say I struggled for years, because everybody seemed to make progress faster than me. I was always told how talented and funny I was, but no one ever knew the pain and confusion I battled within myself. I did not tell anyone about it, because how was I suppose to know what the heck was wrong with me. The constant interruption and nonsensical sentences I blissfully uttered was awesome as a child, but it still happened as an adult. Even now as I’m writing this blog, I feel the urge to make a video, filming all the people in the library where I’m currently writing from and shout “Boo!”
I mean, it’s only a teenager or a child that have thoughts like these. Right?
In my book I write about how my mom always told me I was the “Jack of all Trades, but master of non”. This all made sense why she said it, but it was no excuse for me to believe that. Sadly I believed her, but bless her heart; she meant it to be an encouragement for me.
My divorce summed it all up for me. My recent relationship also. Luckily for me, I already had changed my frame of mind. What saved me while my divorce was undergoing, I tried thinking of ways to better myself. I had some idea of what to do, but knowing I have ADHD made it impossible to imagine any positive outcome. I had the word “suicide” written all over me since I was a teenager back in South Africa, but that wasn’t such a wise thing to have done.
I was singing for a well known mini famous gospel group named “Young Ambition” where I was the lead singer. I assume to most people this would be quite a cool status to have, but as fun and exiting as it was, I was contemplating suicide, because you can imagine the confusion I constantly had going on in my brain. Why can’t I not even have a normal conversation. Why do I have to put up an act to make people see I’m not in the mood to be there? Why do I hyper focus when I like something, but completely shut down when it’s a less interesting topic, event or situation? I’m either way exited or way less interested and bored. There’s no middle ground with me. Why am I scared of making friends and why for the life of me can’t I just shut up and listen to the end of someone completing a sentence before I feel the urge to speak or blurt out something…sometimes it’s nonsensical stuff may I add.
All is at peace whenever I’m alone, because that’s the time I can think about how to gain momentum in life. As long as I have no friends, I’m the happiest. Well, I’m not cutting out the old ones. They know who they are.
No, I do not contemplate suicide anymore, because within the last two years I have focused exclusively on how to better myself as an adult with ADHD. Yes I have other important things to focus on, but I treated this like my life literally depended on it, because it did. I wrote my last suicide note not so long ago, but I think I’ll keep it and take it out eventually when I have reached financial stability which will happen soon and I can’t wait. The goals and vision I have written down is another way for me as an adult with ADHD to keep reminding myself of that goal I plan to achieve.
The Accented Guy